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Posted on Sunday, November 15, 2009
Topic: International News
International News
by Kway Png

Sorry, cocksters! We're still on hiatus working on our new projects, but we couldn't help bringing you this dispatch straight from our intelligence sources in Washington DC:


1. Before his trip: “Yes, we can!”
After his trip: “Also can lah!”

2. Wants to rename all the members of the US Army Reserve ‘Operationally Ready USMen.’

3. Has started greeting Vice President Biden with “Eh, relac ah, Joe.”

4. When he calls for a bill in Congress, he mimes a signing action in the air.

5. The Secret Service has begun indicating wherever he’s supposed to sit by placing a packet of tissue paper on his chair.

6. When speaking to foreign heads of state, inexplicably begins to mimic their accents.

7. Staff on Air Force One now all kena wear sarong kebaya.

8. His seat on Air Force One is now also covered with bamboo massage beads and a t-shirt.

9. Describes the explosive situation along the Afghanistan/Pakistan border as ‘Boomz!’

10. Michelle Obama now divides all the crops in the White House vegetable garden into ‘heaty’ and ‘cooling’.

11. Is renaming the White House, the Senate and the Capitol ‘Whitehouseopolis’, ‘Senatopolis’ and ‘Capitopolis’ respectively.

12. Starts referring to immigrants as ‘talent’.

13. Makes Sasha and Malia go for Speech & Drama classes but tells them later on they better dun study arts in university.

14. Has ordered posters of Osama bin Laden’s front and profile to be pasted everywhere, since that worked sooooo well in Singapore.

15. At 11 pm every night, gets hungry and demands that the White House chef whip up a prata telur for him.

16. And a Milo Dinosaur.

17. Asks his lawyers to look into the possibility of suing Fox News for defamation.

18. Has police on the constant lookout for ways to arrest/sue/fix Sarah Palin.

19. New career path for ex-CIA officers: become newspaper columnists and editors.

20. Unsubstantiated rumours start circulating that he’s slapped Hillary.

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